New Zealand Secedes from World

Proposed World Map of New Zealand, post secession. (Image: Joel J. Vederas)

Speaking at a press conference in the capital city of Wellington, Prime Minister of New Zealand Jacinda Ardern announced that effective January 1, 2022, New Zealand would be seceding from the rest of the world. Ardern said “We are tired of being left off the maps of other countries, and we are superior to them in every measurable way”, citing lack of COVID-19 cases, as well as gorgeous scenery, and progressive government policies. The incident Ardern is referring to comes from Kazakhstan, where a Kiwi tourist was detained in 2016, after the border guard’s outdated map did not show New Zealand on it, and the tourist was promptly arrested, eventually being released.

New Zealand currently has the lowest number of COVID-19 cases in the world per capita, with only fifty-nine known cases as of March 27, in a country of almost five million people. The government has currently secured enough vaccine doses for the entire population, who are expected to be fully vaccinated by the second half of 2021. The country recently hosted a 20,000 person concert, with no masks, no social distancing, and drinks abound. Reports are coming in from Republican National Committee members, asking why the same cannot be done in the United States, given the fact that COVID-19 is “not real”. 

New Zealand has spectacular scenery, being the filming location of all three Lord of the Rings movies, as well as many others. It has no native snakes, contrary to neighbouring Australia, making it a popular alternative destination. Spectacular waterfalls await visitors, who may be forced to quarantine after entering, in a move that Prime Minister Ardern says will “keep out those filthy plague rats”.

Prime Minister Ardern proposed that New Zealand secede from the world, effective January 1, 2022. (Image: times.com)

Ardern’s government has recently declared a climate change emergency, pledging that the government will be carbon neutral by 2025. This commitment to climate change prevention is one of the world’s strongest, at a time when other countries are questioning whether the problem even exists. Ardern herself is currently the youngest female prime minister in the world, which will be a refreshing and welcome change from the current United Nations which is full of old men in suits yelling at each other. It is currently unknown whether the UN will keep the same name, or whether it will be changed to United Nations +1. 

Our correspondent has gathered some reactions from across the globe to this sudden news.

“To be fair, I’m not sure what the point of the country is… It’s just discount-brand Australia, right?” (Chad, 22, Harvard University)

“As long as I can still film there, I don’t see a problem with it.” (Peter Jackson, Lord of the Rings Film Director)

“We didn’t need them anyway, they were drawing too many tourists away from our pristine beaches and wonderful, harmless, very friendly and gentle wildlife.” (Scott Morrison, Prime Minister of Australia, shortly before being bitten by a poisonous mulga snake)

This article appeared in The Ironicle, the annual satirical edition of The Chronicle. Read more in The Ironicle!